Tonight, on the premiere of Splash, ABC's celebrity diving reality show, tension runs high between the edge of the platform and the calm water below, especially with heavyweights Louie Anderson and Ndamukong Suh on the list of brave souls gearing up to take a dive.

Thankfully, Greg Louganis will be there to advise them on everything from pikes and tucks to proper Speedo-wearing technique (hey, anything to get in good with the absurdly overqualified judges: gold medalist David Boudia and USA Dive Team's Director Steve Foley). Let’s go over the ragtag celebrities forced to don one-piece bathing suits and swim goggles on national television, and determine their chances of success:

• Comic Louie Anderson once beat out Dolly Parton for host of Family Feud, only to be replaced by Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor’s Home Improvement sidekick Al (aka, Richard Karn). If anyone’s going to pee the pool this season, it’s him.
• Drake Bell is a former child star, a current former child star, and he probably looks good in a small bathing suit. His youth already has him favored.
• Chuy Bravo normally acts as Chelsea Handler’s giggling sidekick on Chelsea Lately, but this might just be his chance to shine. Working against him? He’s 4’3”.
• Nicole Eggert played one of Baywatch’s many comely lifeguards, but her Splash-designated bathing suit color is still TBD.
• Keshia Knight Pulliam is best known as Rudy from The Cosby Show. She’s worst known for diving (but she could surprise us with until-now-unknown triple-somersault skills).
• Defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh’s strength might work against him, but his cannonball-delivering skills should come in handy. He also supposedly saved cast mate Louie Anderson from drowning. Now that’s good television.
• Katherine Webb is elongating her time in the spotlight by adding “possible diving champ” to “Miss Alabama” and “girl who Brent Musburger drooled over during the BCS National Championship Game.” (Not sure if there are Survivor-like alliances on Splash, but this picture gives us hope.)
• Rory Bushfield is a Canadian extreme skiing phenom, who may or may not be able to pull off a twisting dive.
• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can fit in a port-a-potty, figure out how to wear pants, AND has something to say about HBO’s Girls. He also can probably dive.
• Kendra Wilkinson is best known for being one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends, proving that she can literally do anything she sets her mind to. She will win.

Splash premieres tonight at 8 PM on ABC. There’s a good chance that someone will hit their head on the diving board.