What would you do if someone asked you to visit the most memorable NYC locations from Broad City… with your best friend... and write about it? If you were a couple of IRL besties who love Abbi and Ilana as much as we do, you’d crank your ‘90s hip-hop and say “YAAAAAS, KWEEEN!” We’re Maddy and Ange and this is our real-life, nomo-FOMO Broad City tour of New York. First stop: Manhattan.
When you’re planning a Broad City tour, this Manhattan spot stands out. But we didn’t want to merely go to this mecca of bedding and bathing — we wanted to explore the essence of what Abbi (and, consequently, Ilana) loves about it, from her coupon-hoarding habit to the relationships she and Ilana have formed with the employees (which come in handy when you need to reserve a cutting board).
Ange: I learned that bedding displays can be deceiving. I was really looking forward to those, but most of them felt like they were made from cardboard boxes. Basic. And the memory-foam mattress displays were THE WORST.
Maddy: As a non-petite, I don’t appreciate how risky it was to try to nap on a cardboard bed.
A: How terrible would it be to have sex on one of those memory-foam mattresses?
M: It’s true. No bounce.
A: Do you ever wonder, WWA&ID? Sometimes I do. That should be a thing.
M: Like how can we be Boss Bitches about this?
A: Yes. We can aspire.
M: Cool, let’s go creep on some dogs.
As Abbi and Ilana know, it’s important to determine what kind of dog you would be: A slim pug, like Abbi? A three-legged mutt, like Ilana? These are questions best answered with your best friend, which is why this was the second stop on our tour.
M: The regulations at the Washington Square Dog Park are straight-up Orwellian!
A: NYC dog parks are not chill. If you are a person without a dog in a dog park you’re treated like a sex offender.
M: No one really cares if you take selfies with the dogs in the background, though. I really thought they were going to chase you away when you did that.
A: Same. I was pretty bummed that we didn’t get a pic of that dog who looked like John Leguizamo.
M: That was a missed opportunity. But he kept trying to mount that bigger dog, and I felt like taking a picture would be violating it somehow.
A: Mounting bigger dogs is such a John Leguizamo Dog move.
Navigating New York can be a nightmare: Subways are delayed, cabs get stuck in traffic, and buses are better in theory than in practice. When you need to get somewhere fast — or you’re super late for a wedding in Connecticut, like Abbi and Ilana were — Citi Bikes are your best bet.
A: I’m gonna preface this by saying that I hadn’t been on a bike in years.
M: Those Citi Bikes weigh a shit-ton and NYC traffic is no joke in general. But you totally did it! It was a goddamn triumph.
Embracing your inner Abbi and Ilana (emphasis on Ilana) means never letting a dick-scoping opportunity pass you by. Since Ilana is a pro, we followed her lead by heading to what should be an ideal place to rate dudes based on their penis size.
A: It was wishful thinking to assume we could leer at swinging dicks in basketball shorts in the dead of winter.
M: It is a real bummer no one braved the snow to give us the wiener eye candy we came for.
A: Honestly, one, it wouldn’t be very safe, and two, shrinkage.
M: There should be a sign, NO DICKS TO SEE HERE, OF ANY KIND. Totally empty court. The man meat is hibernating.
Whether you’re basking in the glow of bouncing dude peen or depressed because you missed out on said junk, you’re bound to be hungry afterward. And if, like us, you happen to be in the vicinity of Magnolia Bakery — where Abbi retrieved her phone from a drunk girl — you’ll definitely want to treat yo’self.
M: Banana pudding FTW!
A: Holy. Shit. Obviously Abbi found the best thing about Magnolia.
M: It is, objectively, the best thing about that place. If you get within a few blocks of it you are basically required to eat banana pudding.
A: I love that banana pudding so much that I sat on the dirty-ass ground like a heathen while I ate it.
We went to St. Mark’s Place expecting to see a bunch of crusty punks and hoping to find the legendary Tree Man. We weren’t entirely successful.
M: I bought a wig.
A: It fell on the ground.
M: Let’s get out of here before someone asks us to smile.
So that was fun! Stay tuned because we’re hitting Queens next. We’re going to answer questions like, “What’s that burnt thing?”; “How far would you walk to get a really cheap rotisserie chicken?”; and “Can I get a dirty-ass martini or four?” Also, this whole excursion is a giant reminder for you to watch the next season of Broad City because Abbi and Ilana are awesome... and also Lincoln. Broad City returns TONIGHT (Feb 17)! Catch new episodes Wednesdays at 10/9c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC App.
Maddy has an online shopping addiction and holds the record for most packages received at the office in 2015. She isn’t as cranky or judgy as her twitter would have you believe but don’t take her word for it.