In this third and final stop on our Broad City Tour of NYC, we’re hitting up Brooklyn: the borough housing deeply important locations like Soulstice, Ilana and Jaime’s apartment, and the site of Abbi’s rollerblading injury.
If Abbi and Ilana have taught us anything — aside from the fact that dildos do not go in the dishwasher — it’s that life is about the journey, not the destination. That’s why we decided to honor Jaime’s path to citizenship (and celebratory boat party) by taking a boat to Brooklyn.
Ange: First, we got in the line for the wrong boat.
Maddy: We were clearly surrounded by the wrong kind of people.
A: You mean, the kind of people who wear Statue of Liberty visors unironically?
M: Yes, which sucked for them because that top deck was windy AF. Not nearly as pleasant as Jaime’s citizenship party.
A: At least we found the secret ferry wine stash. That exists.
M: Just don’t get stuck in the stockroom with Bevers.
Everyone remembers Abbi wandering around Brooklyn after her wisdom-tooth surgery high on “Mommy Lani,” Vicodin, and the infamous Firecracker Smoothie. Nurse Jaime was tasked with going to 42 Squirts and selecting the frozen yogurt representing Abbi’s true self from the overwhelming array of flavors. As the site of Jaime’s subsequent panic attack, this yogurt shop was obviously on our BK hit list.
A: This location doesn’t open until 2pm. The owners clearly respect BRUNCH.
M: They also clearly know their biz because that place was hoppin’ once the doors opened.
A: I think we got there at 2:03... and there were 50 people inside.
M: It made it really hard to find the flavor that encompasses the essence of you, Ange. I went with: NY Cheesecake, Graham Cracker, and Salted Caramel. I call it Salty and Sweet.
A: Choosing a yogurt flavor that represents a living human being takes serious deliberation, but I was pretty sure I’d be able to pick your perfect frozen yogurt. Birthday cake… uh, cherries…? And whipped cream!
M: Why does this feel vagina-related?
A: Everything can feel vagina-related — you just need the right perspective.
On our way to the next logical stop on our tour, the Gowanus Whole Foods, Angela lost her phone. So instead of exploring the sprawling grocery store where Abbi and Bingo Bronson racked up a bill of $1487.56 on high-class shit including a neti pot, Manuka honey, and a vegan douche, we decided to try Ilana’s phone-finding technique and take out our boobs.
A: This was an ideal WWA&ID moment. The answer to “What would Abbi and Ilana do if they lost their phone?” is so clear.
M: It was only logical for you to use Ilana’s topless phone-finding technique. How else could you get everyone around you to take pictures/videos on their phone and determine whether one of them is yours?
A: It’s the only way. I legit took off my top and bra and my boobs flopped all over the place because that is what they do in their natural environment. 28 Double H FTW!
Abbi and Ilana are varsity partiers, whether they’re invited or not. So when we heard there was a legit Broad City mural-painting party going on in Brooklyn, we knew we had to make the ladies proud. We rolled up like we were going to a fancy-ass Soho rooftop party and one of our rich NYU buds was going to let us in.
M: After the whole phone/flashing thing, we needed a morale boost... in the form of a Broad City Paint by Numbers party.
A: Then we ran into Bingo Bronson. I’ve decided that everyone should listen to Bingo Bronson. I did, and I’m pretty sure he wanted to have sex with me.
M: What’s that, Bingo? You want me to buy what?
If there’s one thing Abbi and Ilana taught us about attending parties, it’s this: Make a beeline to the DJ booth to make sure he is slammin’ ‘90s hip-hop. Another lesson: Don’t go home with the DJ and his pal. Although we might have made an exception for DJ Greedy at the Paint by Numbers party.
A: DJ Greedy was the best.
M: He put on some Destiny’s Child for us within, like, four seconds. Abbi and Ilana are definitely onto something because the party got way better after that.
A: I would have a three-way with you and him — preferably with a ‘90s hip-hop video montage in the background. He wouldn’t even have to be sneaky about it, like Abbi and Ilana’s creepy DJ duo.
M: Hi, Mom!
YAAAAAS KWEEEN! We hope that our Broad City excursions got everyone primed and pumped to embrace the spirit of Abbi and Ilana in everything they do — and catch new episodes of the show Wednesdays at 10/9c on Comedy Central or anytime on the CC App.
Maddy has an online shopping addiction and holds the record for most packages received at the office in 2015. She isn’t as cranky or judgy as her twitter would have you believe but don’t take her word for it.