I was watching the first episode of Hot Date (brought to you by Pop), and it inspired me to come up with some new dating app concepts. Because, contrary to popular belief, there just aren’t enough dating apps already. Are any developers out there in Silicon Valley listening? Let’s find a venture capitalist and go halfsies on one of these. We’re gonna be the next Elon Zuckerberg!
If you ever find someone who’s interesting, smart, attractive, and nice, marry that person immediately, because there are only twelve of them. Until then, download this app, which guarantees that everyone you meet will, at the very least, be interesting. All users are required to pass a rigorous test during which they must carry on a conversation without mentioning jobs, sports, money, family, or “where you’re from originally” for a minimum of six minutes.
For this one, you don’t create a profile of yourself — you upload your parents’ Facebook info. If your folks aren’t on Facebook, just record them talking for like 5 seconds — the app’ll get the gist. Using sophisticated algorithms, DisOwnr will provide you with some eligible singles in your area who will make your family absolutely furious. This one can really liven up the holidays.
This app lets you browse pics and descriptions of everyone’s exes, because the best way to get to know someone is to evaluate everyone they’ve ever dated.
Science (aka my life) has determined that three months is the ideal length for a relationship. Meet someone cool, get to know them, take part in between one and three seasonal activities, then get out before you hate each other. This app ensures your relationship ends before the honeymoon phase is over by completely erasing all contact info on your phone after 90 days. Then, to prevent any in-person visits from your new ex, the app summons a muscular man to guard your home as an “intimacy bouncer.” The muscular man is named Gary. Don’t worry about him. He’s chill.
Bumble requires that the woman message first, which lets women be a little more selective about their matches. Brunchzilla takes this “pre-screening” process a step further, by requiring that the daters’ therapists meet for a leisurely Sunday brunch before the singles are allowed to message each other.
Are you vegan, polyamorous, and/or have you ever been to Burning Man? This is for you! Go here! Use this app! (Okay, everybody else, I think they’re gone now.)
For a super-hilarious take on the world of apps and dating, check out the full first episode of the new sketch comedy series Hot Date, right here. It’s on Pop, Wednesdays at 8 and 11, premiering November 8, and stars CollegeHumor vets — and IRL couple — Emily Axford and Brian Murphy, sharing their own brilliant observational takes on dating and relationships. The scenes where Emily plays a woman of a certain age are my faves.
And now, what dating apps do you wish existed? Let me know in the comments.
Tony Carnevale is a senior writer for Studio@Gizmodo.