If you live in a major metropolitan city and aren't the slightest bit famous, there's a solid chance that you're not getting invited to shit. If it's LA, there is no way your unfamous, boring ass is getting invited to an awards show, or an after party, and DEFINITELY not to a famous person's super-exclusivo after-after party hotel lobby debauch-fest. But here's the secret to living a fulfilling life: you don't actually need to be invited because you can just show up. And the more you just show up like you belong and don't give a damn, the closer you are to actually getting invited.

It's simple – find a way to make yourself look presentable and rich and you'll be able to successfully gate-crash almost anything. It helps to resemble an actual famous person and not be ugly, but where there's a will there's a way. Even if you don't look like you play a doctor on TV and maybe have a unibrow, with enough grit and mettle you can gate-crash even the most exclusive of soirees.

Look Rich

This step requires a bit of advance planning, but is by far the most important lesson I can bestow upon you. The key to penetrating the gates of the most exclusive club or party is looking like you have enough money to purchase the souls of those working the door.

If you're just trying to create a thin layer of rich-vibes, pay attention to the runways. Go into fancy stores and touch stuff. Learn what expensive shit looks and feels like. I'm talking fabric – silk, fur, things that are not rayon, which is what you'll end up in when all is said and done, but it's good to know what you're trying to approximate. You want to be just a little more flammable than the real thing, and luckily, big box stores where everything is made in China are happy to help you with that. Sure, they're mostly meant for teens, but if you can get that Alexander Wang-looking giant drapey caftan T-shirt for $19.99, who cares? (Pro tip: never ever wash it in a washing machine because it will turn to dust.) Thing is, it doesn't have to be perfect, and people are too consumed with themselves to actually give a fuck anyway.

If you're willing to go the extra mile and invest in looking rich, you need to actually buy some real, non-flammable, perhaps even domestically produced shit. A good place to start is a not-so-local thrift store. Think Greenwich, Connecticut, or Palm Springs — places where old rich people die and their cold-hearted relatives don't want the good stuff. If it's vintage you have the additional cred points of not just being a trend-following lemming like most people buying off-the-rack designer clothing. If you're looking to actually invest in a couple of key pieces, never pay full price for anything — because if you're spending big and not getting invited to fancy parties you must really suck and might as well give up.

If all else fails, pull an Abbi and do the buy-and-return. Research a store's return policy, buy a bangin' dress, and then come back the next day masking that hangover as buyer's remorse. This only works if you're really careful and don't plan on getting sloppy, though. It's also kind of morally bankrupt — the OG Rent-the-Runway...for assholes.

Don't Be a Pussy

You need to be willing to grow a pair and hustle if you're going to get into a party you don't have any business being allowed into. Making fake invites isn't really going to cut it, and also who has time for that? No, you have to talk the talk and walk the walk so nobody can tell you're a total fraud. The best move is to just walk in. Find a way to bypass the door person, or ingratiate yourself with a group who is already in line (the VIP line, obvs). There's a solid chance someone's +1 didn't show up, and if you're cute and don't act like a complete assclown you may be able to take their place. Be assertive and confident, but don't be rude. There's nothing more embarrassing than someone pretending they're on the list when they clearly aren't getting all "do you know who I am" to a door person. If you're nice and cool and hot, you stand a snowballs chance in hell of just being let in without a name on the list. Act like an entitled baby person and you're 100% shit out of luck, I promise you.

Breaking and Entering Is Not the Way

If you've ever been in the VIP area at Lollapalooza, and have seen someone attempt to scale the fence between the highway and the festival, you will know that literally gate-crashing an event is a really bad move. Don't attempt to climb fences, scale walls, or pick locks. Chances are you won't pull off whatever MacGuyver crap you're trying to pull, and you might even get seriously fucked-up in the process. Even if you do get to the other side, you will be caught. Oh, and if you don't take my advice and do get caught trying to pull some totally dumb teenage fence-jumping move, DO NOT RUN AWAY. The only thing more embarrassing than getting caught gate crashing is running away like a scared asshole. Admit defeat and leave gracefully. That way there's still a chance that security will eventually forget your face.

If you can forcibly enter the premises on which the party is being held, do so with caution and finess. What I mean is, if you can just walk in, do it. Look like you belong and just saunter the fuck inside, holding in your victory dance as you do so. This also goes for the VIP areas at parties and events you are actually invited to – if you can sneak around a velvet rope or through a side door, do it. Get what's yours — but again, if you get nailed and have to leave, do so with poise so as not to embarrass yourself forever.

So there you have it – look rich, hustle, and don't be stupid. You're now ready to crash the dope shindig of your choice. And if you keep crashing parties successfully, eventually you'll start to score invites because people will grow to love your sparkling company. It's like that thing where you trick someone into dating you by just low-key moving into their apartment when they're not looking — totally fucked-up and creepy, but very effective. You're welcome, asshole.

For more suggestions on how to enjoy life while remaining broke and unfamous, watch the season 2 premiere of Broad City on Comedy Central, Wednesday at 10:30/9:30c.

Maud Deitch doesn't have to gatecrash parties anymore, but when she was broke and young she totally snuck into your fashion week after-party, sucker. She tweets here.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Comedy Central and Studio@Gawker.