Like Russian roulette, dating is a deadly game of chance. With luck, you could win a buzzed night of genital fondling in the back of a cab. If you lose however, you could be in for a weird conversation about parkour with a bar mitzvah DJ named Trace (#shudder). Whether you're looking for a serious relash or serious anilingus, follow these fabulous dating tips to increase your odds of finding a warm dick or 'gina to cozy up to.
On Tinder, a profile picture is worth a thousand judgements. So bust out your bifocals and get ready to overanalyze! The girl holding a fake mustache with fifteen of her besties? Swipe left! She's basic. Her favorite food is "anything with ranch" and she owns Forrest Gump on Blue-ray. The 37-year-old dude with hella tats who's smoking American Spirits while cradling a French Bulldog? He's an art director at an ad agency who's still super into coke. NOPE! You're looking for love, not crabs.
So you've been chatting up a potential lover on the interwebz and you wanna take the relationship to the next level: actual human interaction. What do you do? Four words: dive bar with games. A dive bar is good because it says, "I'm down-to-earth but also DTF." And games give you something to do besides talk about your terrible jobs. Nobody wants to hear about the pubes you cleaned out of the Soulstice showers. (Sorry Abbi.)
Also, feel free to BYOW (bring your own weed). Everyone knows that video games and doobies go together like depression and Seamless.
Everyone knows that spanking the donkey, or if you're a girl, pinching the Tic Tac, is relaxing and fun. Whether you're more of an Ilana type and you jerk it 24/7, or you're an Abbi and prefer to schedule your masturbation in advance, give yourself some love before a date. That way when you're hanging with that special hottie you'll feel more relaxed and confident. Plus, you'll have that "I just squirted" glow.
So the date is going well and you want things to end at your fuck palace (aka the illegal Chinatown squat you share with eight other people). How do you guarantee that things heat up, genitals-wise? The best thing to do is make physical contact during the date to create some vibe. When she says something funny, make sure to touch her arm. If there's a lull in conversation, casually stick your pinky toe in his mouth. Cha-ching!
We all know that clothes make the (wo)man. When you go on a date with someone it's important to showcase your best assets, whether it's your chin butt or your actual butt. The next time you have a hot date coming up, take a page from Abbi's book: go to a chic store and buy something that costs more than your life. Then simply return it the next day. Just make sure not to get food or...anything else on it.
So you're on the date and it's going...THE WORST. Turns out homie is in a Creed cover band and wears multiple thumb rings. Sad emoji. The point is, you need to pull a David Blaine and, poof be gone. But how? If you're at a bar or restaurant, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Hang out in a stall for 20 minutes and catch up on the news (Just Jared, Dlisted, etc). Then come out and announce that your IBS is acting up and you really need to be on your home toilet. It knows you better. He'll get the hint that you're a disgusting monster and you will be free to live your best life.
So there you have it. If you need more pointers on getting yours with people who probably won't kill you in your sleep, watch Broad City on Comedy Central, Wednesdays at 10:30/9:30c.
Rose Surnow is a humor writer for websites and magazines such as New York Magazine, VICE, Cosmo, SELF and more. She is currently getting an MFA in TV Writing at USC.