Fact 1: Brains are considered a delicacy in many parts of the world. Fact 2: the Zombie Apocalypse will hit someday. So it's worth giving a few moments of thought to what kind of human gray matter you're going to eat when you find your skin turning gray and your body beginning to rot. Remember: deliciousness is not the only factor to consider.
Let's consider one human-gone-aarghy who's already been faced with planning her own menu: Liv, the crime-solving, brain-gobbling star of The CW's new iZombie, who stumbles into a freak zombie feeding frenzy and wakes up the following morning feeling a little...undead. So she does what any sensible person would do in her position: finds gainful employment at the coroner's office, otherwise known as an all you can eat buffet of guilt-free human flesh. But there's a twist! Liv soon realizes that snacking on the brains of various Jane and John Does gives her the ability to absorb their memories, which proves very helpful when she takes it upon herself to start solving their murders.
What about you? Even if you're not interested in detective work, what kind of brains will quiet your rumbling stomach while quenching your thirst for knowledge? Let's brainstorm. (Sorry.)
Murderers typically need all sorts of tools to pull off the perfect murder, and when some shady character strolls in to buy a chainsaw, some tarps, and a whole lot of duct tape, that's maybe info you'd like to know. Sorry hardware merchants, but your brains are simply too valuable NOT to eat.
Something about being in the back of a taxi cab makes people open up. Perhaps they let details slip — something about being furious with an ex, or the fact that they're out for revenge on a friend who's double-crossed them. Taxi drivers are basically a town's dirty little secret collectors, storing all sorts of valuable dirt in their skulls. In other words, bon appétit! What's that? You're not in the murder-solving business? Well, you'll still suck up enough information to make sure you're never lost again. You can't lose.
All those blind items you've been dying to know about? There's one sure way to nail down the truth about which secretly-gay celebs have been canoodling lately: by devouring some delicious blogger brains. (Note that while they may hold all the juicy scoop you could desire, they also have a reputation to for being a little tough and gamey.)
Is the world really secretly run by a cabal of lizard people? What really happened in Roswell? Are you about to be audited by the IRS? Only one person's brains can answer all those questions, and that person is the leader of the free world. Have fun lording your top secret knowledge over all your zombie friends!
If you're starting to suspect that your favorite author spends all his days trying on berets, screwing around on the internet, and fiddling with his fantasy football team — and that you'll never learn the grand conclusion to the captivating saga he seems to have completely stalled out on — a solution is finally here. Just don't spoil anyone who's still holding out for the next book, okay?
What brains would you eat? Put those big juicy scrumptious heads of yours together and post your answers below. To see where Liv's appetite takes her, tune in to the iZombie series premiere on March 17th at 9/8c on the CW.
Adam Moerder is a writer and musician based in Brooklyn. He's written for Pitchfork, Grantland, BuzzFeed, MySpace, and more.
Illustration by Alexandra Cannon.