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How to Beat the Rest of the Internet at Cyber Monday

Illustration for article titled How to Beat the Rest of the Internet at Cyber Monday

Yo, what's good American Internet and also foreign countries' Internet viewing Gawker. It's your boy Trek, the Blue Beats Pill, a.k.a. BP, a.k.a. Lord Pillington the Swag Champ. Please do not confuse me with that other blue pill. I am not pharmaceutical, and I'm not out here tryin' to mess up your childhood memories of pop-pop, you feel me? What I am here to do, however, is hook you fools up with some very important advice pertaining to Cyber Monday.

"BP, what's Cyber Monday?"

Are you serious, my guy? What's Cyber Monday?! It's the shopping event of the year for the sentient beings that wanna get a TV for $12 but don't wanna get trampled by a horde of plebeians in Crocs trying to get a vacuum with Wi-fi on the cheap. Here's some crucial points to ensure Cyber Monday domination.


Set Up a Cozy Perimeter

Obviously, comfort is a necessary part of coming through and crushin' it on this most holy of unnecessary consumption days, my guy. So prepare your arena of purchase power with some fly shit to keep you very cozy. In order to shop effectively, your limbs gotta be at optimal relaxed levels. If there is tension in your shoulders and buttocks you might buy four toasters instead of that 100" TV with a built-in icemaker. That's a bad look, so get your Snuggie, electronic cigarettes, chipmunk scented candles, whatever you need to be at peace within yourself, so you can shop on your computer like a wingding.

Avoid Clicker Fatigue

Yo, even if your designated shopping area has the warmth and security of your momdukes' womb, you gonna need to pace yourself so you don't catch a finger cramp or some other similar click-related injuries. You don't wanna pull the hamstring on your finger, so you need to take breaks in between purchases to do some light stretching, maybe some hand yoga. Maybe you got a cat or a guinea pig — pet that shit for five minutes. Just stay loose though, cuz you gotta buy all these things and there's only two of them in the warehouse and there's a mom on an iPad in her minivan that is gonna dead you on that 4G LTE microwave you so desperately need if you cramp up.


Ambient Music

Music soothes the soul. Personally, I like to shop while I listen to Biggie's first album. I'm portable so you can take me into the kitchen with you while you make a sandwich in between pricing out Roombas for your feline companions. Buying a cashmere duvet cover while you listen to "Gimme The Loot" may not be your speed but who am I to judge? I'm just a speaker living on this crazy planet asking you to love him. One charge will make me last seven hours. Kiss me in the rain on some Nicholas Sparks shit, ma. I'm ready.


Don't Go Too Big

Contrary to what many adult websites will have you believe, GIGANTIC HUGE MASSIVE shit is not always the best for everybody's needs, you dig? You share a studio apartment with six other art students, fam. There is absolutely no need for your place to accommodate a 90" television set my guy, unless you plan on using two of your roomies as a TV stand. Just look at me, small and mighty. Observe your surroundings and buy according to your needs but also give in to your bratty privileged wants — this is America. America is all about baseball and Olympics and buying a video game that massages you in 3D.


I had a fifth tip but I'm late for my Bikram yoga class. I'll holla. In the meantime, check out the Beats by Dre Blue Pill here.

This post is a sponsored collaboration between Beats by Dre and Studio@Gawker.


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