It’s March! The sun will soon cross the celestial equator, setting the Northern Hemisphere ablaze with light and renewed life. Known as the Spring Equinox, the phenomenon also marks the start of the astrological calendar! It’s a good time to turn to the stars for answers to all of our most urgent questions. Relationship advice is passé, and career pointers are cliché, so let’s cover what astrology has long neglected: SNACKS. Here’s what you should reach for when the munchies hit the hardest.
Aries are headstrong and passionate, traits befitting the first sign in the astrological zodiac. The symbol is a ram, for crying out loud. Stay true to your dogged roots by getting in on all the food fads first, like the trailblazer that you are. Venus is in retrograde in Aries until April. Managing that means doubling down on your values, so steer clear of the démodé, like rainbow bagels and ramen burgers. Even better, start your own food trend, and use your capacity for brute force to make it stick.
The bull, the symbol of the Taurus, is similarly straightforward: Taurans are grounded, strong-willed, and perhaps a bit stubborn. Set your sights on several ambitious culinary goals — like homemade champagne gummy bears or an airy soufflé made with hand-gathered eggs. Thanks to your determination and inner bull power, you’ll be able to achieve them. Congratulate yourself with an indulgent yet grounded treat, like creamy, crunchy, chocolatey, peanut-buttery Nature Valley Granola Cups.
Gemini’s twins symbol makes sense; Geminis are multifaceted and versatile, if a bit prone to dramatic mood swings. Snacks you should consider are the bizarre, unlikely pairings that no one else has ever thought of. Roast beef and vanilla pudding? Flamin’ Hot Cheetos as a cereal substitute with milk? You’re inherently creative, so you’ll know better than any of the rest of us. Come May, the Sun and Mars are both in your wheelhouse, which means you’ll shine the brightest and get the weirdest.
Comfort foods are the natural choice for Cancer, the most sentimental and homey sign. Host a potluck with your closest friends, and serve up some classics like mac ‘n’ cheese and warm, buttery biscuits. (The other great thing about comfort foods is that they lend themselves to being made in massive quantities.) Jupiter will be in your Fourth House until October, making you especially domestically-inclined, so hole up indoors with your loved ones and eat your favorite things.
Leos, brace yourselves. A series of lunar and solar eclipses in Leo means a cosmically intense year is ahead. Complement your planetary forecast — and your own personal flair for drama — by doing the most and eating the most. It’s the year to be extra, so pile on the extra toppings. Throw a build-your-own pizza party and follow it with a bloody mary bar.
Jupiter’s the planet of luck, but having it in your constellation for the better part of last year made 2k16 way too busy, tbh. It’s over now, though, and you straight-laced, analytical Virgos can take a breather. Virgos are infamously health conscious, and now’s the time to double-down on self-care. Slurp up those probiotic drinks and green juices. Slam those acai and grain bowls. Finally figure out what “spirulina” is and give it a try.
Jupiter has moved on to Libra this year, bringing luck and swift change for all you paragons of civility. Take risks and work harder toward your goals this year, because it’s going to be rewarding AF. Enrich all the beauty that’s in store for you by eating literally beautiful foods, like summer rolls and upside down cakes. Artfully arranged fruit tarts. Open-faced sandwiches sprinkled with edible flowers foraged from the undulating hills of the Yorkshire Dales. You get it.
Scorpios have a special talent for serving themselves. This year, you should start by serving yourself some repurposed leftovers, because it’s going to be a chill, low-key year — and you’ve always been amazingly resourceful. Things will change for the better starting in October, when lucky Jupiter moves to your constellation, amping up your natural drive for success. Power through like a badass with bison jerky and raw energy balls.
All manner of exotic comestibles have entered the mouths of Sagittarians, who are renowned for their penchant for traveling. Bring your gallant, globetrotting ways to your daily snack routine by subscribing to an international monthly snack box, like SnackCrate or JapanCrate. Wash it all down with equally intriguing beverages, like ayran or kvass.
Ah, Capricorns and their envy-inducing capacity for self-control. Pat yourself on the back for being able to stop yourself before you gobble up a pint of ice cream in one sitting or binge an entire season of Game of Thrones in a single day. Pay homage to your uncanny ability to stay grounded by grabbing snacks that come straight from the earth — like beet chips, carrot sticks, and taro cookies.
Fickle Aquarians, this is the year to be thirsty for everything. Your planetary energy from Uranus and Saturn is strong this year, and your self-possession is off the charts. Travel without an itinerary — you’re good at improvising, after all — and gorge on new street foods and unfamiliar snacks. Quench your thirst with coconut water and the tears of the authorities whose rules you’ve ceased to follow.
Pisces is perhaps the most artistically influential of all the astrological signs. Poems have been written about your kind, and you’ve been depicted in everything from paintings to stained glass. Munch on heavy things this year — like bacon-stuffed potato skins and salted caramel gelato — as a nod to the sheer gravity you exert. Stuff yourself with cheesy bread like the true creative muse that you are!
So, forge onward with your newfound snack prophecies! And regardless of your planetary configuration, there’s a new snack for you all to enjoy. Nature Valley Granola Cups — sweet, crunchy whole-grain oat granola cups enhanced with peanut butter and chocolate — are here just in time for the Spring Equinox. Here’s to new [peanut buttery, chocolatey] beginnings.
Angela Wang is a Senior Writer for Studio@Gizmodo.