When you were a kid, your only responsibility during the holiday season was to not lick any frozen flagpoles. But somehow, you’ve become an adult — one who must spend the holidays stressing out about buying thoughtful gifts, booking expensive flights, and sleeping on the weird, lumpy twin mattress in your childhood bedroom.
But all is not lost. We’ve come up with some quick fixes from RadioShack to ease your adult holiday stresses. Fixes that will help you take a breather. Fixes that will bring you back to a simpler, cookie- and cartoon-filled time in your life. And most importantly, fixes that involve a remote-controlled spider. So zip up your snow pants, dig up your unsent letters to Santa, and check out these games and toys that are still awesome when you’re an adult (complete with the mature adult reasons you need them in your life).
Due to your copious online shopping and travel-planning duties, you haven’t been outside in days. You’ve forgotten what it’s even like out there. What is this “sun” that you speak of? Let the RC Triumph Indoor/Outdoor Helicopter help you make a transition back into the natural world. Take a quick flight around your living room to unwind from all that holiday planning, but…what’s that? It’s so fun to fly that you want to take it even higher? There’s a place right out your front door with the highest ceiling of all, my friend. It’s called the sky, and it is all yours! The RC Triumph does the outdoors as well as it does the indoors — so maybe you can learn something from it in that department. The helicopter’s internal gyroscope will even keep it stable in this “fresh breeze” that you’ve heard so much about.
Mature Adult Cover-Up: “I am a meteorologist, and I fly this helicopter to do research about tomorrow’s weather. Yes, even when I’m flying it inside my kitchen. We have that kind of technology now.”
Twelve years ago, your brother microwaved your model plane collection. Parental pleading, family therapy, and one very uncomfortable appearance on a syndicated daytime talk show have not repaired your bond. But today, that all changes. The RadioShack 1:15 RC Corvette Racing Pack features both a miniature radio-controlled Stingray and a ZO6, with separate radio frequencies and a 120-foot control. They're perfect for careening through an improvised race course made of empty tissue boxes (and finally showing your brother who's boss). And if that doesn’t work, just punch him in the arm and say that you’re over it. I mean, are you seriously still mad about this?
Mature Adult Cover-Up: “We’re using these cars to transport food from the kitchen to the dinner table more efficiently. There was actually an article about it in the Times last week!”
You have discovered that your Assassin’s Creed-addicted niece and nephew do not respect the classics. They think “Doctor Robotnik” is the name of the family dentist. This will not do. Teach the young people in your life about the importance of history with the Sega Genesis Classic Game Console. It plugs directly into your TV and comes with 80 preloaded and two controllers — perfect for creating the kind of special inter-generational bond that can only come from totally triumphing at Altered Beast.
Mature Adult Cover-Up: “I heard there was a ‘Sonic’ section on the new SAT — I was just trying to prepare them for their future!”
Your boss has been dumping last-second projects into your lap every night this week. Not very merry of him. How do you teach him about the importance of taking it easy on his employees during the holidays? The HEXBUG™ Spider XL. It’s a large remote-controlled spider with three speeds and 360-degree steering. Come on, do I have to draw you a diagram?
Mature Adult Cover-Up: “Sir, with all due respect, I’m pretty sure that a robot-spider did not just run through your office. Have you had your iron levels checked recently? Sounds like you’re pretty tired. Maybe you should go home. Maybe we should all go home.”
Play hard and prosper. And seriously, man — keep your tongue away from that flagpole. I’m not even kidding.
Wanna drop some money on your favorite kid (read: you)? You're in luck. RadioShack is announcing five awesome user-selected deals today. Treat yo' self.
Gabrielle Moss has written mostly funny stuff (but also some serious stuff) for GQ.com, The Hairpin, Nerve, etc. You can follow her here.