Are you sick of catering to the capricious whims of your horrible boss? Ready to throw in the towel on your high-octane career as a newspaper reporter — a job which, according to The Wall Street Journal, replaced lumberjack as the world's worst in 2013? Or are you just finally down to the dregs of that twelve-thousand dollar inheritance your grandma left you?
Unless you're one of the few who had the good sense to marry well when you had the chance, it's probably time to go out and find a new line of work. Luckily, there are still jobs out there that aren't completely terrible. Whether your parachute is a no-nonsense gunmetal gray or a deep, splendid mauve, here are the top six jobs for the fun-loving, the otherwise-unemployable, and those with expensive degrees in creative writing and a passion for leisurely, Aperol-fueled brunches any day of the week.
If you're wondering how this unlikely job snuck onto the list, consider the schedule: a crossing guard only works a couple hours every day and gets summers off. More importantly, the benefits are luxe enough that luminaries such as retired pro-basketball players happily clock in just for the insurance. There's also the godlike sense of power that comes from being able to halt oncoming traffic with a casual wave of a hand. And you get to wear really cute white gloves!
Drawback: Probably not so much fun in bad weather.
The role of Chief Brunch Officer (which is totally a real thing by the way — apply here) offers unparalleled benefits and opportunities, making it the best job ever for those committed to a life of true leisure. In this newly created role, your primary duties will include lounging, eating brunch and making chit-chat over an Aperol Spritz or several — often after a long night out.
While no formal experience is necessary, besides a passion for brunch and a knowledge of the best eggs benny in your city, qualified applicants must demonstrate a proven track record for making tough, fast decisions between sweet and savory breakfast foods; a talent for sparkling banter and witty repartee; and the ability to haul yourself out of bed at noon (okay, fine, twelve-thirty) AND be dressed with panache and flair. Fops, dandies, bon vivants and gals-about-town are strongly encouraged to apply.
Who hasn't considered pursuing one of these spammy job offers, which purport to pay hundreds of dollars to would-be Mata Haris willing to sneak around the shopping mall in deep cover, informing on unwitting store clerks as they commit petty crimes such as not putting the receipt in the bag and forgetting to remind customers to have a nice day. In other words: it offers all the glamour of being an international spy, but it's way easier and less dangerous. Perfect!
Drawback: You get paid in gift certificates to The Accessory Hut.
Back in the glorious summer of 2001, I spent my nights swanning around my apartment, drinking white wine through a straw and pressing my fingers to my temples in the manner of Professor X while I advised psychic hotline callers on whether their man was cheating (yes) and whether they were going to win the lottery (sure, why not). Sometimes I also tried out funny voices, which went over better than you would expect. The only job requirement was that I keep callers stuck on the line for as long as possible. As far as jobs where you sit around the house making up lies go, Phone Psychic is a pretty good one in that — unlike, say, "writing" — you get paid by the minute. It's also a rare career in which drinking on the clock is actually encouraged.
Drawback: You have to be okay with a little fraud.
Okay, they must do something important, but it sure seems like an ambassador to a tropical paradise just lies around on the beach sipping umbrella cocktails. Maybe on a really bad day they're forced to attend a black tie gala or play a round of golf with a visiting dignitary. How stressful!
Drawback: Sunscreen's not cheap, you know!
Post a 15-second video to Instagram explaining why you deserve the best job in the world, tagged @AperolUSA, #BrunchForALiving, and #AperolBrunchSociety, and it could be you. We already know you're totally an expert at selfies, right?! For more information on how to be a part of the Aperol Brunch Society Contest, head here.
Bennett Madison is the author of several novels for young people, including
September Girls (HarperCollins 2013) and The Blonde of the Joke. He lives
in Brooklyn, New York.