Scholars have long debated why so many foods remind us of private parts. And, by extension, why we put them in our mouths. Which came first, the chicken or the dick joke?
I’ll leave that question for future generations, but in the meantime, thanks to the new, oh-so-fork-able DEVOUR™ frozen meals, I have been granted funding to determine, once and for all, a scientific ranking of the foods that make us think of fork-ing all night long. Here they are, in a very particular order:
41. A peach
40. Half a peach
38. Vienna sausages
37. Hot dog
36. Hot beef
35. Corn on the cob
33. Jelly donut
32. Boston cream donut
31. Hot dog approaching the hole of a donut
28. These Nuts
26. Nut Butter
16. Pickles (spears)
15. Pickles (whole)
12. Hot cheese
11. Mature cheese (if that’s your thing)
8. Sushi on a naked lady
7. Sushi on a naked lady who is holding a zucchini in each hand
5. Ice cream (cone not cup)
4. Hot fudge sundae
3. Hot fudge sundae with a banana
2. Hot fudge sundae with a banana and nuts
1. Hot fudge sundae with a banana, nuts, and whipped cream in the shape of boobs with a cherry on top of each boob
The previous foods might make us think of sex, but only in a conceptual way; the new DEVOUR™ frozen meals are so ridiculously delicious that they are basically orgasmic. Try everything from the Pulled Chicken Burrito Bowl to Buffalo Chicken Mac & Cheese (OMFG), available in your local freezer aisle. You’ll crave them — and eat them — in a whole new way.
Hunter Slaton is the Content Director for Studio@Gawker.
Illustrations by Alex Cannon.