Look. Life is hard, and you can't always bring your A-game. In fact, sometimes you're going to devolve into a slobbering baby on a rampage for absolutely no reason! But as a probably-average person, you at least have the benefit of avoiding the public eye when having your meltdown. The following people apparently didn't get the memo, though, so use their meltdowns as a case study for what not to do.
You don't have to be a baseball fan to appreciate the dazzling theatrics involved in a minor league manager removing both his shoes and shirt while arguing that a runner should have been called safe. (To be fair, there's no audio of his conversation with the umpire. Maybe this vitriolic striptease was somehow warranted…? Maybe the umpire offered him a Hardee's Bacon Velveeta Patty Meltdown in exchange for his dignity?)
Yelling a series of profanities for no reason in the privacy of your own vehicle is an American tradition. A car is a private and reasonably soundproof place, freeing you to say just about any darn thing that pops into your head at maximum volume. Cars are a perfect place for, say, a man who missed several spots shaving to deliver an expletive-laden tirade regarding the decisions of his local sports team. Filming and uploading one's own insane rage attack is probably unnecessary, but one the internet appreciates.
Sometimes, when things don't go your way, you have to make them go your way. You have to stand up for yourself. How? Maybe by reversing your car as fast as possible toward whatever person is in your way. Maybe that'll help you park in the space that's rightfully yours. Or maybe it'll just help you go to prison, which is a lot like finding a perfect parking spot, except way more long-term. (Also, there's no Hardee's in prison. Lame.)
Pretend you're the child of an extremely famous and wealthy man and you're answering a reporter's questions about life. You do your best to answer these questions calmly and honestly — never mind that your answers make zero amount of sense. Never mind that they sound like the dying cries of a crazy person screaming into an old shoe in the back of a public bus. Is that technically a meltdown, or have you achieved a higher state of being? Congratulations, you just invented the melt-up.
If you got kicked off your college's football team for making out with a wealthy media mogul, and said mogul decided to break up with you, maybe you'd lose it. Yours may just be a love to which no restraining order applies. Your relentlessness and vision, so well honed and encouraged on the football field, may unexpectedly become your downfall in other areas of your personal life.
Next time you find yourself about to have your own meltdown, resist the urge to turn into a pile of bubbling, raging meat and cheese. Let your food do the melting down for you: the Bacon Velveeta Patty Meltdown at Hardee's will leave you calm, collected, and satisfied. Plus you'll avoid having your humiliating moment splashed across the internet.
Image by Alexandra Cannon.
Ben Johnson is a Chicago-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Vice, Red Eye Chicago, The Classical, The Cauldron on Medium, and Chunklet Magazine. He is also a proud cofounder of Total Bozo Magazine.